Columbo Ye Faithful

(to the tune of Come all Ye Faithful)

Greetings dear reader from my First Day of Having a Christmas Tree This Season,

Today the newsletter is about what is arguably the greatest television show of all time : Columbo.

Together we will answer the 5 Ws: Who is Columbo? What is so appealing about the show? Why can’t I find it on any streaming platforms? Where can I visit important Columbo locations and When can I buy Columbo merch that you, Laura Dawe, designed? (hint: here and now!)

First, I will show you my tree because it seems cruel to tell you that I just put it up and then not show you.

We have a lovely collection of special and nostalgic ornaments but sometimes you want FROOTS

Late last December I bought 2 bags of of these beautiful orangey yellow fake lemons from Habitat for Humanity for $6! I was so excited to combine them with purple grapes, red berries and green garland on my white tree this year.

Found this tree skirt in a free pile it could not be more perfect for meeeee. Disregard our rug. We bought because we liked its Hobbit vibe but nothing else in our apartment has Shire aesthetic so I am designing us a new one!

In the the year that followed I completely forgot about them (of course) and they were a delight to rediscover. I thought I might have to drill into them and glue in eye hooks but turning them into ornaments was SO easy because they are foam inside. You just pop a little hole with a thumbtack and loop in your hook (mine from Ikea (of course of course) and it just sort of stays perfectly in the centre. I imagine most fake fruit could become ornaments this easily.

AND NOW back to our previously scheduled 5 Ws!

Who is Columbo?

He is the titular character of a show that ran on and off from the 1970s into the 1990s, an LAPD homicide detective played by the late, incredibly great Peter Falk. We never learn Columbo’s first name. When asked, he gets a twinkle in his non-glass eye and says,

“Lieutenant.”

A philosophical debate arose in our household: does Columbo have a glass eye or just Peter Falk?

Columbo’s whole schtick is letting people underestimate him. They mock his coat (rumpled), his hair (same), his car (an unreliable lead coloured 1959 Peaugot), his dog (a basset hound named Dog), his cigars (cheap and stinky but he’s trying to quit) and his taste in food (chili with saltines is his favourite) (but don’t waste your money on the Columbo Cookbook it’s very disappointing.) (Wow I’m really surprised to see how highly rated it is!)

Columbo plays dumb, lulling murderers into false confidence. He shows up just when they’re sure they’ve seen the last of him, because something about the case is “bothering him.” His catch phrase, “just one more thing” is usually delivered as he turns back from leaving, one finger in the air like the bomb he’s about to drop only just occurred to him.

Columbo referring to his wife to make himself unthreatening, a bowl of chili, his catchphrase, Dog, his car.

Another cute Columbo trope is his wife, who we often hear about but never see: she is a huge fan of various actors Columbo meets, she is studying bookkeeping and has a test so she can’t accompany him to an awards show, she likes to party and gets a little out of control, she does all the cooking, she does’t cook at all. The facts we glean about Mrs. Columbo are inconsistent, and I am not the only fan to wonder if she exists at all.

Falk’s real life wife, Shera Danese, was in like 7 episodes - more than any other guest star- despite being a terrible actress. She was allegedly also a terrible wife and there are rumours that the end of his life was not pleasant because of her, but it makes me too sad to further look into!

The only thing about Shera in Peter Falk’s autobiography is how Falk showed her that Vanity Fair cover featuring naked, pregnant Demi Moore. He thought it was the most amazingly beautiful thing — but all Shera noticed was the size of Demi’s ring. Apparently she was so aggressive about his estate when he had dementia that there is an SVU about it.

What is it that makes Columbo so good? Each episode is essentially a film at over an hour runtime. They features a stream of celebrities like Martin Sheen, Gwyneth Paltrow’s mom, Donald Sutherland, and a truly deranged performance by Faye Dunaway. Peter Falk is so charming. I think this is in part because he truly loved Columbo. Some actors resent a role that begins to define them, but Falk was the biggest fan around. He personally provided the famous shlumpy trench coat and made amazing drawings of Columbo that I will buy when I am rich.

Just one more thing! Peter Falk drew this Columbo! (I cropped it sorry Peter)

For me though, it’s the sets. Most of my favourite episodes are from the 1970s and take place in the lives of the rich and famous: actors, writers, artists. Their massive, pastel Hollywood houses make me GASP. Turns out I really love it when everything is a room is green or yellow. The 70s understood colour drenching. The rewatch factor of Columbo is extremely high for me, the music is amazing and there isn’t much dialog so it’s great in the background while I putter, but when I do glance up at the screen… wow.

By now you are desperate to watch Columbo! But how, you ask. I inherited my love of the crumpled Lieutenant from my mother, and someday I hope to also inherit her complete set of DVDs. If you know a streaming site that has all the episodes: please share with us here at Puttering! Any country! We have VPNs! Otherwise, some of the very best episodes are linked on the blessed Columbophile blog. Including Swan Song, with guest star Johnny Cash, whose delivery of the word “Homocide?!” has become an audio meme in my family and hopefully soon yours as well.

But really, you must start with Murder by the Book, the first TV episode (there were multiple pilots). It was directed by a young Steven Spielberg! The Columbophile also has Peter Falk’s alleged favourite episode, Any Old Port in a Storm.

Once you watch these eps and become a super fan (inevitable) you may wish to see for yourself some of the beautiful locations. Well, next time you are in LA (or New York or Mexico or London) simply refer to this incredible Columbo Locations Map. I swear I include it not just because I need a Where, it is a work of devotion that deserves to be shared and it helped guide our last visit to LA.

AND JUST ONE MORE THING.

After realizing I was not having enough Columbo conversations in my life, I decided I was not transmitting my love of the lieutenant to the world strongly enough! I needed a shirt.

You may now also need a shirt .. fret not I HAVE DESIGNED SOME.

Yes we have sweatshirt. We also have tank top and T shirt.

I think these are only available in Canada. Let me know if you discover otherwise - I am new to the Columbo merch game and unlike the lieutenant I have been wrong before.

Fandom is a beautiful thing. To love a work of art and to identify with it and to wish to know all about it. I know there are more Columbo superfans than me, my mom and the Columbophile but I was still shocked when I finally got around to watching Wim Wenders’ 1987 film Wings of Desire and it slowly reveals itself to be SPOILER ALERT a love letter to Peter Falk? Nothing validates your intelligence more than a famous (and often tedious — I’m looking at you, badly cast main lady) art haus film glorifying the same person and show that your heart glorifies.

Even in Berlin they know how badass he is.

Also he makes drawings in that little sketchbook throughout the film (which is so beautiful, just skip past the circus stuff and the Nick Cave scene IMO)

Thank you for reading this far! It feels so nice to write to you again. I have lots of lampshades I have puttered and will probably blog them soon. I also want to do an “art tour” to show you all the beautiful things in my Newfoundland house that I miss so much.

Your humble servant,